Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Have you ever looked at a fire and gotten lost in it.. Im not a pyro don't worry thats not where this post is going but seriously... I went to the lake a couple weekends back and as I was staring at the fire I kind of became lost into it mesmerized almost by the ever changing flames.... Last night I had a dream where I was engulfed in flames but it didn't hurt and I wasn't in pain and it was almost like I controlled it.. Like I knew I owned the flames that engulfed me... I think my mind has become more abstract as I become older because I have no doubt that this dream was actually meant to inspire me not to scare me... I had a rough weekend thinking about Lecom's graduation and where I could have been today... I looked at pictures of my friends in their doctor caps and gowns and was almost envious... but then I remembered something important... This is what I chose... I chose to let that life go and I chose to move forward... After I decided to give up my original dream of becoming a doctor I could have lost myself I could have went back to mom and dad's to work at applebees for the rest of my life... I could have given up.. it would have been easy... but thats not what life is... Life is too short to just give up... you have to adapt just like the flames in a fire adapt to the wind and the wood and even the people around it... I knew Erie wasn't for me.. I was never happy there... I loved my friends but I hated the town, the school, the way I was, who I was, I wasn't healthy, I wasn't working out.... I wasn't even trying anymore... its like my body was telling me something and I refused to listen... Making the decision to give up and move on was one of the hardest things in my life but I did... I sucked it up accepted my mistakes and my bad decisions and applied to graduate school.... I always had a pull toward Miami and I never knew why... My sister and I were texting on Saturday and she is amazing, as always, and her comment to me was something like this "you had to move on, you had to give up its what led you here today... maybe you were meant for a PhD maybe you were just meant to find Phil but this was your purpose"... This is amazingly true for me... I am happy here and more so that I have been living in any other town and I am happier with Phil than I have been with any other man and I am happy with my degree and my research and my job which is also all firsts for me..... I think my brain last night was reminding me "hey you adapted you changed you are fierce and strong and can withstand anything" Who knows maybe it was just a dream composed of crazy things I saw throughout the day but Im going to be the optimist here and assume it was either God or my own strength inside me inspiring me to continue and reminding me that I wasn't meant to be in Erie this past weekend just like I wasn't meant to continue on that path. I have finally found who I am and who I am supposed to be and I love the look at the direction it is heading... I will continue to adapt and change and as I realize that with each passing year I am continuing to grow and change and thats ok... thats how it is meant to be... So get comfortable and enjoy my warmth cause this flame is no where near done!!!!